#Feelings (Day 1)
Emotions are fascinating. Nebulous concoctions of neurons and feelings which act as thermometers – or maybe as a GPS - for our internal state. I’d consider myself to be emotionally sensitive. I tend to be in tune with how I’m feeling at any point in time, which is a blessing that comes with its drawbacks. Just because I know how I feel doesn’t mean I know how to articulate it or why I’m feeling it, I’m just aware of the sensation I’m experiencing at a given moment. Trying to decipher the root cause of my emotional state at a given time is equally rewarding and frustrating. This is part of why I write, as I alluded to in my last post. Writing allows me to connect the dots and take a step back to observe what the constellation is telling me, but lately I’ve been trying to struggling to see the stars.
I think the fact that I’m turning 23 this month may have something to do with it. In a cruelly ironic way, life has been incredibly dynamic since I penned my ‘Life is Dynamic’ blogpost and 2024 has been a year of many lessons, lessons which I am grateful for. However, I think going through periods of extreme uncertainty has compelled me to attempt to make plans for my future to avoid being in such situations again. As I’m growing older, I’m starting to feel myself becoming the man that teenage me aspired to be. This is a humbling realisation which I thank God for but I’ve realised that my attempts to be intentional with my next steps towards this aspiration can leave me with a sense of dissonance. I’m trying to balance gratitude for the present with my dreams for the future and this tightrope carries a lot of tension as you can imagine. These days I’ve been feeling a yearning for an elusive *something* which I can’t quite put my finger on. This ephemeral yet engulfing sensation speaks to me but I haven’t quite managed to understand how to translate it to a language I understand and I’m trying to make peace with that. I know it will make sense one day.
There’s not really a conclusion to this reflection and that’s okay. I’ve learned that sometimes the answer to a question is another question, a loose end that leads you on the path to uncovering whatever it is you’re after. I guess you could call this maturing? I said you’d be hearing more from me on here and I’m trying to be a man of my word, so in the lead up to my birthday I hope to share something on this blog everyday. I hope you enjoy the ride.
Connect the dots…
Love,
ETP
